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Jeff and I feel we are descending into a darkness from which we may not return. This has been going on for months now. I don't believe its a first for Jeff but it is for me. I've always just known in my gut that I would return to some form of normalcy no matter how deep the fog. But not this time. I fear I am the best I will ever be again, and that ain't good.
But yet, even having this feeling, I'm not bummed, I knew it was coming, I just hoped it wouldn't occur so soon. As a matter of fact, like most everything else in my current reality, this development just doesn't matter. The apathy is overwhelming, the feeling that I've permanently lost a few more mental marbles just can't get through. Yet, I did find myself upset about something else.
Jeff appears to be some months to a year ahead of me in the course of our dementia's. And this is what upset me. The thought that suddenly burst through the fog that there's a real possibility that Jeff may predecease me. This thought was extremely distressing. For this to be a person I've met all of once in my life, he has become an integral portion of it. He has become more than a friend, he is my brother, someone who means the world to me. In addition to our shared diagnoses, we seem to have lived a very similar life in many ways although each life was quite different. He has spent years in the military and traveled the world. I have never lived outside of my home state, still within 200 miles of the place of my birth. He is, for the most part, self educated and damn good at all things he does. I have a very formal education from one of the finest schools in the country and am pretty dog gone good at the things I do as well, and I say this with a humble, grateful heart, not as a braggart. My life has revolved around family while his has not. Yet our world viewpoint and thoughts on life as a whole are incredibly similar. Even our health histories are unbelievably similar.
Not so long ago we were writing each other 2-3 times/day. Now we're lucky to obtain that quantity in a week. These are still quality, uplifting emails but they are becoming as scarce as hen's teeth. This, seemingly the simplest of tasks, has become somewhat of a chore. Not because you don't have a ton of things to share, but because you simply no longer have the abilities to express them and get them on the screen, And so it goes.
Now back to the possibility that he may predecease me. This thought really bothers me. I didn't expect to have this type feeling again. All of those I care about that could/should predecease me already have passed on. One of the advantages of growing older I suppose. But I hadn't given his demise any thought. Now I find the thought totally distressing, almost debilitating. The thought of not having a fellow traveler on this dark, winding path, a brother from another mother is more of a load than I might be able to carry. All of my birth family., my mother, my father, and my brother, are gone. I have no birth family left and it can be isolating. But with Jeff, I have "found" a long lost member of that birth family.
I must apologize for the randomness and rambling of this post. I continue to phase in and out quite often this morning so this is the best I can do at the moment. I just became aware I had visited some other reality and found an entire paragraph of nonsense which I had gleefully typed into this post. Thank all that's good and honest for backspace. So, although I had much more to say about Jeff and all he means to me, I must close this post before it devolves into pure drivel.
Thanks for putting up with my ramblings this morning.