Perhaps the last status...


Greetings; Jeff here. The title may be misleading, if so, I am sorry. What I meant to say is this: I am on a one-way trip from zero to nuts, brain dribbling out a little more every day. It has already affected my speech centers, both input and output.  However not just the words-in and words-out; rather I am finding trying to translate abstract ideas in my head to full formed speech is becoming very hit and miss. So much so that I am finding its easier to simply not try. Not for every thought and not every moment of the day. However there reaches a point (everyday now) where I go to speak whats on my mind and nothing intelligible comes out. After a moment of frustration, the air goes out of me, and within the minute I no longer recall what I was going to say anyways.  

Do the lather-rinse-repeat thing enough and you start to say fuck it before expending the energy you would have needed to call forth to say.....whatever the fuck you were trying to say. After a few weeks of that and you realize two really important and life-changing things:

1. Regardless of how witty or well-thought out your initial thought or messae was, you realize soon that even if you did get it out, the opinion of crazy people doesn't carry much weight in polite society. 
2. There is another threshold you cross, the one where try as you might, the world just keeps making less and less sense. Each new situation is more mysterious than the last and soon you quit trying to make sense of the develop a kind of sieve personality, your filter catches what it can and makes sense of it but the rest flows by like a river of bullshit. 

It is the combination of these things that builds isolation in the patient, you either grow more mentally self-dependent or....I don't know what because I chose the first option. Not saying I always succeed but I absolutely always try.  This is where I am at right now. I know I say things and can tell no listener even processes what I say anymore and most of what I input, be it conversation, movies, games, whatever, I can barely grasp 10% of what I get and 10% isn't enough to do anything useful, not for very long.

Time is so far of a lost concept to me that I no longer even try to make sense of it. Time is so malleable for me right now its basically useless as a unit of measure. Day and night are pretty mixed up for me, right now sleeping from around 6:00 - 8:00pm until between 01:00 and 03:00 am daily. Days, weeks months are meaningless and years at this point mean as much as a millennia might mean to anyone else.

Food hasn't tasted like food in months or at least a very long time, as long as I can remember, as useless as that statement is.  I choke on about half the things I try to eat so I have made my diet as simple and simplistic as possible. 

I don't know if this is bleak sounding to the reader but if so, I don't mean it to be. I mean it is as I have described it but so far I have kept alot of the attitude and poking fun at the condition my condition is in.  It hasn't won to that extent. It will some day but will it before Christmas, when I expect most of the lights to be off?