Grappling with the Obvious: Is my apathy real or imagined?
 |
| Taking a walk on the truly wild side... |
Had some sliding lately, leaving me with one
hell of a conundrum. I am posting at HU first because I really seek the
knowledge of the readers. Even if you don't know, it is still a data
point. Here is my puzzle:
* Many dementia patients develop apathy towards many things in life.
* I can sense what may appear to be apathy in my own behavior. In truth, maybe half of it is apathy, the rest is usually apathy resulting from confusion, not understanding the matter at-hand. This addresses the first group.
* I do feel apathy towards things I know I cannot change, ranging from the weather to the president. I feel that is more pragmatism than apathy but tomahto, tomato.
* Maybe closer to the point, I and others like me don't stress or dwell on our expiration date. To us, it is just that, a date, when you go, you go. Not bravery or any special insight or any of that happy crappy, I know I cannot change it and for many more very real questions, I am OK with it.
***************************************************************************
Up until very recently, that was the status quo, just taking the days one at a time and things were pretty okey-dokey. Freaked out some people but those who are living it with me are cool with it as well.
However after the plateaus of late, combined with serious illness and more, its left a few more abilities in the "lost" column. Yes I am still waking up each morning, having a joint and a pot of coffee with my caregiver, then going thru the day, generally having fun playing video games with my SO/caregiver, to a nice relaxing and enjoyable evening of Law and Order, StarGate, etc. From a disabled nerd perspective, that is pretty close to nirvana.
For someone dying of a brain disease, it just don't get any better than this, and my general mood reflects that. I am pretty positive, mood-wise. And I kept patting myself on the back for keeping a good spirit in the face of what was going on.
But now I am wondering because things have gotten significantly worse and with all the cognitive things that have slipped away, I started wondering why./how I was able to keep this stiiff upper lip in the face of this, the new "now"? With all that has gone wrong, and how quickly, I can't name a person who would not be depressed as hell, in need of some bodacious mind-altering medication. Yet here I am, seemingly OK with it all, new memory losses and cognitive problems and now what seems might be syncopy, how the hell is it I am not ready to start taking hostages? Anyone with a working brain feel free to chip in...I would also ask this: If this does not present a kind of paradox to you, at what point would it? How many more things would have to go wrong with no change in my positive mood before someone says hey there is a problem?
* Many dementia patients develop apathy towards many things in life.
* I can sense what may appear to be apathy in my own behavior. In truth, maybe half of it is apathy, the rest is usually apathy resulting from confusion, not understanding the matter at-hand. This addresses the first group.
* I do feel apathy towards things I know I cannot change, ranging from the weather to the president. I feel that is more pragmatism than apathy but tomahto, tomato.
* Maybe closer to the point, I and others like me don't stress or dwell on our expiration date. To us, it is just that, a date, when you go, you go. Not bravery or any special insight or any of that happy crappy, I know I cannot change it and for many more very real questions, I am OK with it.
***************************************************************************
Up until very recently, that was the status quo, just taking the days one at a time and things were pretty okey-dokey. Freaked out some people but those who are living it with me are cool with it as well.
However after the plateaus of late, combined with serious illness and more, its left a few more abilities in the "lost" column. Yes I am still waking up each morning, having a joint and a pot of coffee with my caregiver, then going thru the day, generally having fun playing video games with my SO/caregiver, to a nice relaxing and enjoyable evening of Law and Order, StarGate, etc. From a disabled nerd perspective, that is pretty close to nirvana.
For someone dying of a brain disease, it just don't get any better than this, and my general mood reflects that. I am pretty positive, mood-wise. And I kept patting myself on the back for keeping a good spirit in the face of what was going on.
But now I am wondering because things have gotten significantly worse and with all the cognitive things that have slipped away, I started wondering why./how I was able to keep this stiiff upper lip in the face of this, the new "now"? With all that has gone wrong, and how quickly, I can't name a person who would not be depressed as hell, in need of some bodacious mind-altering medication. Yet here I am, seemingly OK with it all, new memory losses and cognitive problems and now what seems might be syncopy, how the hell is it I am not ready to start taking hostages? Anyone with a working brain feel free to chip in...I would also ask this: If this does not present a kind of paradox to you, at what point would it? How many more things would have to go wrong with no change in my positive mood before someone says hey there is a problem?
Comments
Post a Comment