Skip to main content

I Don’t Want to Be the Person I Find Myself Becoming

I’ve been debating for some time whether I should write this post. On one hand it seems whiny and self serving, but on the other if it helps one care giver understand why their LO may recoil at their once so welcomed touch, then it will be totally worth while.
The first part of the person I am becoming I have written about to some degree before. It’s my becoming so short tempered over little things, minuscule things, someone clicking their fingernails for ex. is enough to send me over the edge. And I will snap at that person. Hurtful, mean things come out of my mouth before I even realize they’re in my mind. I can’t stop them. I don’t mean the words that came out and I would give anything if I could stuff them back in and tie them in some dark recess forever. But, unfortunately, I know they’ll be back all to so. 
Those I’m fortunate enough to have in my life those who love and care for me understand now what is happening but that doesn’t lessen the immediate hate they feel when I unleash this vitriol. They tell me it’s alright and they understand but I can see the hurt and sense of loss in their face and eyes. No matter the reason, no wants the person they care for most in this world to snap their head off out of the blue. Even if that person is slowly slipping into the darkness. And trust me, I don’t want that either.
Another, and in many ways much more disturbing, new aspect of the stranger I am becoming, is my absolute abhorrence of any physical touch when I even beginning to become foggy. It’s not something conscious but if I’m touched or held or even approached to closely when I’m phasing out/phaseout, I can feel myself physically recoiling. The thought of that touch almost makes me nauseous. It’s not that I don’t crave that contact consciously, I do. But subconsciously the thoughts of it make my skin crawl. And this is so backwards of how I’ve lived my life. My wife and I have especially always been expressive. Touch has always been a means of expressing care to those I cared for and cared for me. For my wife, it’s just another sad, terrifying step closer, and additional proof, that our time is undeniably drawing to a much earlier conclusion than we had ever anticipated. It breaks my heat to see her going through this “freeze/thaw” cycle so often. Once is enough but over and over is torture. To realize you’ve taken an irreversible step forward toward the end, finally come to some sort of peace with it and then be slapped in the face with it again in just a short time, it hurts, it’s tough to deal with. And I hate being the cause of it.
Well, that’s the self serving part, I got to whine and get all that off my chest and lay it out there to make your weekend merrier. As for the other part, I can only hope it helps some of you who are near the end of your rope with your patient/LO, gain just a bit of solace and understanding. And, hopefully, most importantly, some peace of mind.


Popular posts from this blog

Dementia Cannabis Update

Update: 22 July
Project started, grow page and journal is here:

Operation: Constant Clarity

This is one of the most difficult posts I have had to write, mostly because I "had" to. Allow me to explain and I promise by the end you will not only understand the "difficulty" and the "had to" bit but also I hope you come away with a few new assumptions or conclusions, you pick and if all that passes you by, perhaps you will find illumination as this is some serious "dementia from the inside out" kinda shit.

The 18:1 Theory
Before I tell you what happened, please recall I have expressed a theory or hypothesis on the effects of a cannabis extract/concentrate that tests out to have a CBD:THC ratio of 18-1 on the demented mind. By demented I mean any brain with not just dementia but anything that alters so-called normal operation. I don't mean anything like it fixes everything, rather there are things that are fixed by this like PTSD and ADD that you …

Be Who You Actually Are

Many moons ago I was starting my day like many of us enjoying the gifts of dementia by spending most of it screwing up each and every thing I attempted to do, large or small and usually in ways both spectacular as well as costly.  On the verge of tears I spent about an hour medicating with my very best botanicals when I had the BFO (Blinding Flash of the Obvious, engineer-speak): I am still attempting to be something that I am not only NOT but barring acts of a supreme deity, never will be again. Its just that damned simple.

* What makes a persons personality unique is the precise set of influences, patterns of thinking, lifetime experiences or memories amongst many other things. These are all stored and/or controlled by the brain.

* The root cause of dementia is damage to select portions of the brain.

* For better or worse, the simple truth is that this will result in a different person. Not better or lesser, simply different, in the same way that any two coworkers might be very dif…

Holy Crap Batman! A hero with dementia!

Braven 2018
Hey kids, I ran across something you just HAVE to watch. I mean you as in readers of these words. Looking for entertainment last night I was scrounging some of the dodgier parts of the Internet for something not involving a cape or "found footage" to watch. Long story short I ran across something from this year (2018) called Braven, starring Jason Mamoa (Aquaman/Ronin on Stargate Atlantis) and Stephen Lang (the major hard-ass in Avatar).  Plot reads like a B-roll actioner, drug dealers drop in on county folk and try to take them on their own turf. I agree, major tired plotline BUT......
Here is the kicker: The country folks (Mamoa/Lang) are in the cabin in the woods kinda thing because Lang (plays Mamoas dad) has alzheimers (he blames it on some Vietnam injury but...) and got into a fight at a local bar, thinking some girl was his dead wife out on the town. 
Of course Jason beats everyones ass in proper manner as it should be but thats why these two are in the c…