Winding things up...down....whatever.
Hey Kids, I hope everyone is dealing with the corona virus without being an idiot, which from what I can see in the news, is way too much responsibility for some folks.
In any event, this will by definition be short. I started this back in...IDK 2016? Maybe; thats when president AssHat got elected and I recall writing about it then so...anyways. This place has grown alot, grown "organically" as we consultants used to claim back in the day, a euphemism for having lost all direction or control. It is in parts political rant (a form of therapy for me. Hey at least I am not out taking hostages, right?), part dementia advocacy and perhaps information resource for caregivers and patients, part documentary to give the average Joe a better idea of what Lewy Body Dementia is and is not. Because I needed it, its also part humor or satire and finally because it has been more useful than anything the doctor ordered, a cannabis grow site for the disabled.
It is now approaching mid-2020 and things have been shutting down inside me now for a while. I get tiny windows of time where I have enough clarity to write or even operate the computer; the rest of the time the PC is as useful to be as a broken toaster, a little mind-blowing considering that it paid the bills for so many years. I cannot change reality though, as least I cannot change the one that you and I currently cohabitate. My own remains my Rembrandt, my Peter Max painting, my refuge from a crappier reality.
Writing is so hard now and even once I write something, often an hour later I can't understand it. Most forms of activity are enough of a challenge to feel more like work than anything resembling play right now. I find myself becoming still for longer periods of time, doing nothing but needing to do nothing as well. And I am fine with it, I feel less distress when I am shut down like that.
I still have a single grow journal running, The Trellis Project right now. While not everything else reached completion, I have reached a point where things either need to be considered done or they never will be. No further work will come to move any of them further.
As with writing getting harder, describing dementia is getting harder as well, trying to translate the fantastic into mundane words and phrases. That takes a working mind that I no longer have control over. So pretty much as of this post, I doubt that I will be adding much more here. I will do my best to complete the Trellis Project as that is only about 5 weeks from completion.....but the way things are trending now, I expect to hit something like house plant status in just over a year. MAYBE 18 months if mitigating actions are taken. And I need to spend what quality time I have left with Beth because thats really all that matters in the end and doing anything else with this time feels like not only a waste but a betrayal as well. So I have two choices: 1. Push on the dozen or so frankly epic-sized projects I have up my sleeve or have going and only stop when I can no longer form words, leaving nothing for Beth and "us" or 2. I can dial down the activity on everything BUT Beth/us and have a reasonable shot at a pretty quality year. And there are no do-overs. So my choice is simple, if somewhat painful to me...
This site shall remain as long as Google lets me have it but how much updating happens is anyones guess and certainly no promise I can keep. The growing part of things are in the process of being handed off; for those I didn't get to in time, I am sorry, I can do what I can do. And finally since the Google presence in the form of my email address has been around long enough to collect waaaaay too much crap, I am shutting that addy down as an email address as well.
In short, I need to cognitively simplify my life all that I can or I fear that I won't have any to simplify. This was not a plan or decision I came to lightly....I know I haven't always succeeded but I did try to help and where possible, educate folks on this badly mis-understood disease. Now I need to help myself and take care of what is left.
I hope folks understand.
PS: Randy all of your access shall remain, post here as long as you are able to!
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