jeffs final twitter feed...

 



Hey Kids, the last column was in fact the last column but this one is intended to be more of a journal of my last times in this reality, a kind of final Twitter feed if you will. Maybe someday someone might be interested in whats going thru the mind being eaten by dementia. The posts will be Twitter sized to begin with but right now Twitter itself is beyond my reach. Thus this "feed". I will do my best as long as I can....

peace out everybody....

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08 Sep 21: Need more RSO so today pulled bag of frozen pot from freezer and did a 25 minute soak with pure ethanol. After removing plant material I filtered in thu the Buchman filter, one filter on the first pass and three on the second. Ready to go and stored in a Mason jar. Tomorrow we just dump it into the Source Turbo and let it do its thing. When done Beth converts it to .5 gram pills that she stores in the freezer for easy dispensing.

 

Otherwise another in a long line of brain-dead days. Can't make it focus or really work on anything...just waiting for the night to come...

 

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 12 Sep 21: You can't go home again.

I was raised mostly alone but surrounded by books and as a result, have many fond childhood memories of classic stories, or even just stories that were classic to me. As time moved on. my "classics" came in many forms, from classic movies to classic TV show story arcs to comic book stories and as always, books. 


When you have progressive dementia and can kinda see the end coming, you develop a kind of bucket list of stories, things you have read/seen/played many times in your life and you would like to relive them, just one more time, capture the magic. 


The truth hits home when you realize that you can no longer read and process enough information to actually re-read your favorites again...the movies are just too complex to follow, the games seem insanely hard, too hard for fun anyways...lather, rinse, repeat.  There comes a time when you realize those are gone forever, you will never again watch (and appreciate) any favorite movie or shows, no matter how familiar.


Even games you have played for a long time, been good at even, say the game has 20 levels of increasing difficulty, culminating with some boss-fight to win the whole thing. At first you can win it all with struggle. Over time, you find yourself hitting some point that you passed with ease even months ago and can proceed no further. So you start over at level one and begin again until you reach that stopping point....then you reset....but along the way what happens is, before you get to your last stopping point in the game, you find yourself stuck a few levels back, on something that used to be simple and intuitive. But now you just can't seem to get past it. After a day of frustration, you reset the game and start over.


In time you are like me, resetting on level two.The worst part is? You don't mind the reset, the easing of stress is fantastic and you don't feel the least bit bad about hardly playing the game as it was intended. You feel lucky to have the little that you do.


Point of all this is, with progressive dementia you just can't revisit all of your old favorites again. At some point, they are taken away from you, with prejudice. I hate that.....but you just can't go home again..


So I guess the only remaining option is to make home somewhere else, real or imagined...


peace

jeff

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A big part of the last "plateau" was the Swiss-cheesing of my memory. It was iffy, spotty before; now it is all but useless. Yesterday doesn't exist and I can't envision something past when I go to sleep tonight.


Working memory is shot pretty bad right now.  Not whining, no point in that, rather just explaining because also now:

* Almost every movie I see is brand new, no matter how old

* Almost all of my games feel almost complex beyond belief. I am not talking World of Warcraft; thing "Spyro the Dragon", circa 1997 I think.

* I honestly don't recall the last comic book I actually finished. Talking 22 pages of comics.

* I honestly don't recall the last book I got thru chapter one on.

* Time is so elastic for me right now, I feel almost as if I am experiencing three days for every calendar day. The weird thing is, it feels pretty normal. I know. 

* FUCKING DYING LIGHT TWO, the one game I have waited for since 2017, is now delayed to 2022. I appreciate the coders want to get it right; I also appreciate the fact I will likely be a vegetable by then, so.....yeah. Thanks guys. 

* This last crop is already providing challenges...and based on a doctor visit today, I may be forced to grow beyond when I wanted/needed to stop. I need to double my RSO production. To start. 

* The plants inside are doing fine, in fact its ironic that at this late date, I finally get the last bug worked out of trellising...figured out by accident that by taking out any fanleaves that are either big OR are blocking my clear view of what I have to work on. Then I use these 90 degree LST clips to start bending all front-facing branches to the left or to the right. Then I left it for two or three days to heal and acclimate. At this point, trellising the limbs was easy and a great job was done as a result. Replicating this process across the rest of the crop now:


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Sometimes I hate what this has done to me. Aside from all of the obvious things dementia takes away, one thing they never warn you about is when you lose the ability to verbally defend yourself against idiocy.  Without going into details, had to see a doctor yesterday, a younger new one that frankly could not find his own ass if he used both hands and a flashlight. He came rolling in spouting no small amount of ill-informed nonsense, stuff he and I knew in our hearts to be bullshit but he kept defending it to his last breath. Years ago I was able to speak their language and when I was quick enough, able to talk them out of plainly-stupid ideas. Now? Now all I can do is mumble.....and now, because I can't defend myself, I am stuck with the wrong meds and doing treatments I know are not only painful AF, statistically they don't fucking work in even half the cases. 

Yet, there is nothing I can do....

Fuck.

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I think its Monday. Anyhow, joy is to be had throughout the land, the great famine of 2021 is over: the broken microwave has been replaced. I have survived far longer than I should have in the kitchen thanks to that device; having it gone all but crippled me when using flame to cook was too dangerous.  We have all these "dementia-safe" recipes I can put together to stay fed. Unless I don't have the microwave. Ugh. Possibly worse than smartphone deprivation....


In all its hundred-buck splendor, the new, sexy Black and Decker Popcorn and Tea maker....



Sigh. Nothing like dependency...





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