jeffs final twitter feed...
Hey Kids, the last column was in fact the last column but this one is intended to be more of a journal of my last times in this reality, a kind of final Twitter feed if you will. Maybe someday someone might be interested in whats going thru the mind being eaten by dementia. The posts will be Twitter sized to begin with but right now Twitter itself is beyond my reach. Thus this "feed". I will do my best as long as I can....
peace out everybody....
June 3rd, 2022: Right after the last grow, I had resigned myself to not having another one because it was obvious even to me that I am more of a liability in the grow room than any tangible, relaible help. However not long after I was hit with what we engineers call a BFO or Blinding Flash of the Obvious. We had been fine tuning a grow technique for years here, one thats had fantastic results in maxing out your yields. However as good as this was, there was always still a little waste here and there, moreso if you are not attentive like, oh me. My idea should/could eliminate any remaining waste, up the yields even more. On paper and in theory this should work but the only way to prove it is to prove it by documenting every step of the way. So in tent 2 Beth is doing four standard trellis grows. In my tent however I am only going two plants this time, one in the center of each half of the 4x6x8 tent. The pots are in the middle of the floor and yes, using the exact same Hempy bucket arrangement from grows past. When something works, don't fix it.
Now here is the trick: the plants are in the middle of their sections; I have refabricated two custom trellis rigs that uses PVC pipe for the frame and chicken wire for the trellis part. This is the standard trellis rig around here. However I have further modified them to have a kind of plastic, chicken-wire curtain that hangs the entire size of the trellis. The end of the plastic chicken wire is weighted.
One of these will be hung over each plant. The plants will be "trellised" to the chicken-wire side so the plant is mostly flat, but then the curtain is hung over the open side, and any remaining branches will be trellised to it. The end result is every single part of the plant will be (and should remain) exposed to the light of the tent. Now each plant will have a double rig of my 1000w LED monsters on each side, thus every single branche, leaf and flower is exposed to excellent light. To complete this I need to arrange the internal fan streams such that there is an upward draft in the middle to drive the expected heat bloom to the roof of the tent and then sucked out thru the exhaust system.
If I stay on top of these, I am bettering I will be able to make four plants worth of bud with just two plants. I am pretty sure it will work based on past experience with stuff very close to this. The main trellising technique is one we have used for years to get more yield from fewer plants. This part I already know works. If however this works, there should be less than 1-5% wasted bud. Maybe even less; it could be less by all accounts.
So I have the test plants set up in their sections and some of the trellis mods done. Need to remeasure a few things but this is looking more doable by the day.
29 May 2022 (according to my laptop):
Something that needs to be said, just so we are all clear: I have lucid times in the day and I have the worst parts of dementia in what remains. During the lucid times I can string words together as I am now, though big planning is beyond me now in any state. However in the other state, not only can I not make proper words, most times I cannot even fathom how to use the PC, something that has been a literal extension of my mind and soul for the past 30+ years. Now that things are advanced as they are, this means I am literally unable to operate the computer about 90% of the time. This means updates to this blog are going to become fewer and further between. I apologize for the few who care, I will post here until I can no longer do it.
If my progression follows its current path and rate,that time will probably come on or about Christmas this year. Any number of things can change that but if nothing changes, the new year will see a probably new me. Its a change thats coming, cant help it but I can make the most of the time I have. Sure I know my estimate is a little on the sloppy side, well, yeah but its alot more precise than anything offered by the medical industry. The Parkinsons side seems to be lagging the mental side and that gap seems to grow with each passing day. The mental side is really the cause of my downfall. Executive Function is worse and worse, speech is really unreliable, mental processing of any input is so slow, unless its a book I cant keep up. The net result is I am left out of most things now, most things I say I ignored. Heard, confirmed but ignored. So I am a person/entity unto myself from here on out. Randy confirmed the feeling of being is a kind of waiting room or waiting area...
Update 5 May 2022: It is a very strange feeling when you come to realize that you are just about completely removed from the streams of reality and time and that you are not coming back, this is a one-way street. It is now May and if my progression folllows the pattern it has so far, Christmas (give or take a month, depending on circumstances) will be it for me mentally, on this plane of existence.
Its not like you see a ball and I see a box, you are still moving through this reality somewhat physically but at no time are you fooled into thinking you are part of it in any tangible way...to explain, its like this
* First only the simplest and least-surprising things going on around you can you grasp and understand. Anything else requiring the processing of visual and/or audible input goes into brain-lock as soon as its attempted. Movies, TV, your brain just starts filtering out any input that is overwhelming your mind trying to process it. Guess what? It all does so its all filtered out. You may as well watch a TV with the power removed. Playing games is the same way.
* You cannot process what most folks say and for that matter, most things you say seem to be completely lost on anyone listening. Like you are talking to a wall. When asked to repeat your statement, you no longer have the mental energy to do so.
* Trying to interact with this physical world is an exercise in pain and frustration. Have you have been in a dream and tried to for example manipulate anything more complex than a doorknob? What happened? You feel like you are pushing your hands or feet to do whatewver it is you are trying but they are sluggish at best and downright hostile to you at worst. Well thats what most days are becoming for me. Operating a door, a faucet, a microwave oven, a zipper, a measuring cup, a light, a fan, it was like trying to type with boxing gloves on.
In the end, your only respite let alone shot at happiness is the end of this day and trying again tomorrow, because you are just brain damaged enough to think that will help. It doesn't of course, it only eats up another remaining day for you.
In full transparency, Randy is close to this point as well. He has slightly different challenges though most of ours still overlap. Yay. It just feels weird being in this space, not really at home in either world.....
Update: 1 May 2022:
It is funny, I have not had any sense of time in a long time, as long as I can remember.....(dementia humor)...anyhow, where before, I used time to guage my progression, now I find tracking my progression (or degression, as it were) is my only useful barometer on time.
This will be a weird entry and it is to me as well. As a point in my progression, at this moment I feel I have lost....not sure of word...not contact, not control of, some kind of combination of both....of reality. I can barely play any games anymore, most things I see I zone out on, sometimes harder than others...I have noticed something broken in my reasoning, simple processes like burning a USB or accessing a BIOS menu that used to be second-hand (and even less-so emotionally), now are so complicated that I not only can't mentally complete them, I get physically sick if I try too long. I have also noticed communication with other humans has just about gone...meaningful that is. I am sure if I had to something like SOS could be communicated but anything like casual conversation is mostly gone now.
I am still ...."good" I guess at existing better within my own head than outside, although the effort to exist in both is becoming too much. I understand what happens at the ....end I guess for some folks. Not death, but rather, never having both feet touching this plane of existence again.
One more thing that has lead me to use progression as time: the nearly bizarre way Randy's and my own progressions have happened. Sometimes big stuff, sometimes small but its like you have a twin you only met once that is living a mirror life across the country. Randy is having his hands full right now, hopefulling not too full. The inevitable digestive shit has happened so tube going in but the dementia side is becoming more debilitating. I often equate the way things come up (or break) is very much like marching a platoon thru a minefield. You just don't know which thing will get hit when and how bad.
For him, I fear that his contributions here will be miraculous at this point. As for me, my breakdowns have been more on the mental side, executive function is nearly shot, so is much deductive reasoning, short term or working memory is chewed to shit at this moment. Curiously or perhaps not, my perceived ability to bend time feels exacerbated right now; skipping time is getting too easy because its like a fast forward thru shit you can't handle or deal with (which is good) but absolutely burns up that much of the time you have left sane, or something close to it. Asfor Randy, I am unsure how much more I will hear from him on this plane of existence. A little more alone, another reason to stay gone. Again, not speaking of physical suicide, that aint happening..but rather every time I have or want to connect and interact with this reality in any meaningful way, it takes effort and mental energy, something I have in a dwindling supply. At some point, the act of mentally "staying home for the day" will seem more appealing (or to be blunt, less painfiully gruelling) than connecting here again. Full houseplant status will have been achieved.
I guess what all this leads up to is this: It takes real effort to remain here mentally...my mind SO needs a rest...but for the same reasons other do, I have anchors to this reality, reasons to stay so to speak. However in the recent period I have lost like 90% of the reasons that I had here. Once that last one becomes too difficult to maintain...well I understand folks "locked" inside there heads...from what I have seen, maybe its locked and maybe its refuge. Its where I go to hide...now I am looking at it the way I used to view a much-needed vacation from work....
One last thing for right now, this may freak you out, it may depress you, it might make you go "oh"....I have learned a few things about whats coming next for me, mentally. First is that I still have that "place to go" or my retirement cottage, in all of its splendor....and I rarely visit it much anymore, not because there is anything wrong with it, but rather the second thing: It takes alot of effort to go there, enjoy stuff, have fun...not as much as with Real Life (tm) but still, a non-trivial amount...and that reserve that is required for this to work is as depleted as Lake Mead is right now....what share this? Because, hopefully you will understand as obvious, I can go to that place to exist....or I can mentally just....rest. The former is always possible for me....but the latter is always probable for me as well. Explains alot.
Update: 25 April 2022:
I think at this point my brain has moved to a point of near-non usefulness. I have clear points, short periods where not only does the world make a little sense to me, I can make a little sense to it as well. Any other time the bets are all off. Just how it is.
Facing the hacker/inventors worst night mare. Well maybe not worst but not a cool one either. Basically for our whole time together (30 years) we have lived in such a way where very little of what we watched was straight from any commerical feed....between that, the gaming and the internal ebook library system, we have lived on and from my inventions, so long that neither of us have even given thought to what the rest of the world does/watches. We changed our world to match the needs of our disablities. For years, decades things have worked so smoothly that they were not even noticed and taken for granted. Lets put it this way: Lewy Body Dementia has resulted in a very necessary simplification of our lives. What not long ago was a 24 terabyte NAS that streamed to any and all devices in the house everything from games and books to music and feature films. Everything worked smooth and had a pleasant user interface to every step.
Now? Now it is down to a single box, a NUC from AMD that serves as movie player and retro game box. This is now hooked to a 24 terabyte.....USB drive. Nothing complex here.
May the deity forbid, soon we may be watching cable. Shoot me now.
The flaw in the plan is the only dude who knows how it all works is losing his mind. As such, one ... system or subsystem at a time is going down and I can no longer understand my own code....L
16 April, 2022: OK the electrical work is done, tents partly up, one last crop started...many, MANY mistakes this time is leaving my attrition rate depressingly high. So far it is costing me some 45 normally reliable seeds to get even 11 to sprout and of those, 3 are showing signs of ill-health. Sigh. Doing best I can but...I should not be doing this... That time has gone. I told Beth yesterday that as things stand, if anything in that crop makes it to harvest, it will only be because she takes charge and makes decisions, helps keep the trains running on time. I don''t think she understood...anyhow, one slightly oddball thing is that I got to cross off one more bucket list item, always wanted to try my hand at time lapse photography...this time germinating seeds I got my chance. Lots and lots of mistakes but...basically....it worked:
03 Mar 2022:
Never a dull moment. Putin finally did it and invaded a neighboring country. Again. I have little clue why the world tolerates his bullshit but what concerns me is that Ukraine has like .001% of the Russian army, yet news reports across the world keeps showing Ukrainian soldiers and civiliarns repeatedly pulling the Russions shorts up over their heads. Putin for all his strongman bullshit is a archtypical bully and as such, tend to fold like a cheap suit when challenged, but the problem with a cheap suit like Putin is that he has the might to go way overboard if he thinks he is being humiliated on the international stage....
22 Feb 2022:
Getting closer to the "end". I do know for sure, this is the last year of "me". No, on 11:59 Dec 31 I won't go from sane to vegetable. The loss is gradual and in fact I could hit the point of no return sooner than that...but I know it won't be later. Already my days are going by at the rate of about 3-4 for every one you experience...working memory is shrinking to the point anything past the last 10 minutes is just gone now.
24 December 2021: Christmas Eve. We dont do holidays, something for my benefit. They are way too much to deal with if you have dementia. You need those skills to choose the right gift, do it in time, do it under cover, manage the financial end, etc etc. So we just chill now, something I will be forever grateful for. However that doesn't mean we do nothing. As medical growers we have access to and keep the very best colas throughout a year. In this case though, it all came from the last crop, Wedding Cake. This is fine because that is the tastiest stuff I have had in a long time. This was the core of our annual Christmas joint. This thing is 12 grams of cannabis greatness made from the best we grew and have. This year to kick it up a notch, I infused it with a gram of live resin.
|Ready to be infused...|
To be lit at midnight...peace out everyone!
22 December 2021: A kind of wish come true. Two things I was lamenting prior to today, not being terribly useful to my wife anymore (she is the caregiver) and frankly not being able to be mentally here enough to appreciate the new Matrix movie before my brain dribbles out from my ears. I figure I have about a year left, but thats a year to total brain-worthlessness. A year but thats to the absolute finish line. To really watch something like a Matrix movie you need more than the barest of brain cells left. That time I suspect is about six months from now. Given that the Matrix 4 was just released to theaters I figured it was a 50/50 chance of actually absorbing it when it became available. More likely than not though it was a lost cause.
To my absolute surprise and delight, M4 appeared on the usual sites today, there it was....in low and hi def even. No cam, just a perfect stream. So now I get to entertain the missus maybe one more time and I get to see how this turns out, before I do so myself.
Note: I have flipped this column, sticking new stuff at the top. Will date stuff.
08 Sep 21: Need more RSO so today pulled bag of frozen pot from freezer and did a 25 minute soak with pure ethanol. After removing plant material I filtered in thu the Buchman filter, one filter on the first pass and three on the second. Ready to go and stored in a Mason jar. Tomorrow we just dump it into the Source Turbo and let it do its thing. When done Beth converts it to .5 gram pills that she stores in the freezer for easy dispensing.
Otherwise another in a long line of brain-dead days. Can't make it focus or really work on anything...just waiting for the night to come...
12 Sep 21: You can't go home again.
I was raised mostly alone but surrounded by books and as a result, have many fond childhood memories of classic stories, or even just stories that were classic to me. As time moved on. my "classics" came in many forms, from classic movies to classic TV show story arcs to comic book stories and as always, books.
When you have progressive dementia and can kinda see the end coming, you develop a kind of bucket list of stories, things you have read/seen/played many times in your life and you would like to relive them, just one more time, capture the magic.
The truth hits home when you realize that you can no longer read and process enough information to actually re-read your favorites again...the movies are just too complex to follow, the games seem insanely hard, too hard for fun anyways...lather, rinse, repeat. There comes a time when you realize those are gone forever, you will never again watch (and appreciate) any favorite movie or shows, no matter how familiar.
Even games you have played for a long time, been good at even, say the game has 20 levels of increasing difficulty, culminating with some boss-fight to win the whole thing. At first you can win it all with struggle. Over time, you find yourself hitting some point that you passed with ease even months ago and can proceed no further. So you start over at level one and begin again until you reach that stopping point....then you reset....but along the way what happens is, before you get to your last stopping point in the game, you find yourself stuck a few levels back, on something that used to be simple and intuitive. But now you just can't seem to get past it. After a day of frustration, you reset the game and start over.
In time you are like me, resetting on level two.The worst part is? You don't mind the reset, the easing of stress is fantastic and you don't feel the least bit bad about hardly playing the game as it was intended. You feel lucky to have the little that you do.
Point of all this is, with progressive dementia you just can't revisit all of your old favorites again. At some point, they are taken away from you, with prejudice. I hate that.....but you just can't go home again..
So I guess the only remaining option is to make home somewhere else, real or imagined...
A big part of the last "plateau" was the Swiss-cheesing of my memory. It was iffy, spotty before; now it is all but useless. Yesterday doesn't exist and I can't envision something past when I go to sleep tonight.
Working memory is shot pretty bad right now. Not whining, no point in that, rather just explaining because also now:
* Almost every movie I see is brand new, no matter how old
* Almost all of my games feel almost complex beyond belief. I am not talking World of Warcraft; thing "Spyro the Dragon", circa 1997 I think.
* I honestly don't recall the last comic book I actually finished. Talking 22 pages of comics.
* I honestly don't recall the last book I got thru chapter one on.
* Time is so elastic for me right now, I feel almost as if I am experiencing three days for every calendar day. The weird thing is, it feels pretty normal. I know.
* FUCKING DYING LIGHT TWO, the one game I have waited for since 2017, is now delayed to 2022. I appreciate the coders want to get it right; I also appreciate the fact I will likely be a vegetable by then, so.....yeah. Thanks guys.
* This last crop is already providing challenges...and based on a doctor visit today, I may be forced to grow beyond when I wanted/needed to stop. I need to double my RSO production. To start.
* The plants inside are doing fine, in fact its ironic that at this late date, I finally get the last bug worked out of trellising...figured out by accident that by taking out any fanleaves that are either big OR are blocking my clear view of what I have to work on. Then I use these 90 degree LST clips to start bending all front-facing branches to the left or to the right. Then I left it for two or three days to heal and acclimate. At this point, trellising the limbs was easy and a great job was done as a result. Replicating this process across the rest of the crop now:
I think its Monday. Anyhow, joy is to be had throughout the land, the great famine of 2021 is over: the broken microwave has been replaced. I have survived far longer than I should have in the kitchen thanks to that device; having it gone all but crippled me when using flame to cook was too dangerous. We have all these "dementia-safe" recipes I can put together to stay fed. Unless I don't have the microwave. Ugh. Possibly worse than smartphone deprivation....
In all its hundred-buck splendor, the new, sexy Black and Decker Popcorn and Tea maker....
Sigh. Nothing like dependency...
20 November 2021: Sometimes I hate dying of this...but sometimes...well fuck-it. I am not even sure I recognize this country anymore. The Kyle Rittenhouse verdict was no surprise given how the judge had his thumb on the scale the whole way. Wasn't even shy about the shit but at the end of the day, someone had to say with a straight face that some kid that should not even have had a weapon, let alone be there, somehow had to defend himself not once but three times from imminent death? Please. In the real world, even if this situation was real, after that knothead shows up, gets scared and kills someone, if it really was innocent self-defence, Rittenhouse would have left the situation immediately and turned himself in. Instead, he went out to find himself in at least two other situations where he felt he needed to murder Americans. I just can't buy it. I can't even imagine the magical thinking required for this to make any kind of legal sense but there you go, these are the times we live in now.
Suddenly every parent with a fucking attitude thinks that comes with two things, the brains and training to make rational medical decisions and that it comes with some kind of deity given right to enforce that on everyone. At the end of the day, the average parent is no more medically knowledgeable than I am and has no reasonable expectation of making the best decisions. Far too many think Tucker fucking Carlson trumps actual knowledge and wisdom. The problems come when these half-wits try to rationalize their anger at masks, vaccines and frankly every stupid thing parents suddenly think are the end of civilization. You may be hot shit at the trailer park but to the rest of the country you just sound like under-education, inbred hicks and nobody in their right mind would have under-educated idiots making medical decisions for them and their children.
Lets be clear: the people demanding to dictate what kids learn, which kids live and which kids die, which kids are mired in the past and which are embracing the future, the ONLY single skill each of these parents has is they know how to fuck each other. Thats it. No other qualifications.
Of course the whole MAGA thing is nuts; they whine about the economy and how long the pandemic restrictions are going on, then do everything they can to make damned sure the pandemic costs as much as it possibly can in terms of money and human life, not to mention making sure the pandemic goes on as long as possible. And yet they whine.
They have succeeded in burning out the remaining bit of compassion I had for them. As they needlessly die from COVID, whining into Facebook feeds about wishing they took the vaccine (or the truly insane ones refusing to believe AS THEY ARE FUCKING DYING OF IT). I don't care anymore and have to look at this pragmatically: The more MAGA people doing this, the fewer there will be in a few years. And if the idiots somehow succeed in getting rid of all vaccinations, cool, they will be gone in a generation and we won't have to live with this shit again. They say those who don't learn from history are doomed to repeat it...well, 1914 taught these people absolutely nothing and so they will be helping repeat the needless death and misery of 1918.
Sure these idiots will get some non-idiots killed, that cannot be helped or stopped without somehow forcing the MAGA nuts to pull their collective heads out of their asses and kids, that just ain't happening. They are far too in love with being ignorant as fuck, more ignorant about everything that you could expect any adult to be in 2021 be they are the cross we bear. I have to take comfort in the fact that far more of them will die sooner. I won't be around to see it, sad to say....but unless something changes big-time, I am afraid the Ghost of Charles Darwin will be reaching his dead hand out from the grave and slapping the piss out of these cretins...that is as predictable as the sun rising tomorrow.
18 Dec 2021: I have definitely entered a new phase....the mental break downs have run ahead of the physical ones, and the fucked up part is others use my physical ability as a meter to my whole condition. I was pretty sure a few months back that, independent of anything else going wrong, I had about a year to 18 months of anything resembling mental clarity. Lots of ifs and things involved; clarity is something that cycles throughout the day, for varying periods of time. Just part of LBD. Having experienced it I can assure its nothing as simple as that but I have found I need to boil down some LBD concepts otherwise I have no hope of bridging the gap with folks IRL.
ANYHOW. Sorry. Now days are going by quite quickly, sometimes they feel only a few hours long. Its not that I am asleep during this time, rather what has gotten worse is (I suspect) working memory. Not sure using right term but meaning short term. You as a normal person looks at your day and see the whole thing whereas for whatever reason I can only handle I tiny window into it. But thats not right exactly. I look at my day (in past) and see something that feels very perforated, time-wise. Watching a show or movie I might only recall the past 10 minutes, anything earlier is a mystery and more importantly, this leaves me in a nearly constant mystified state because I cannot piece together what the fuck anything is about. The ONLY things that I have half a chance with is something that I saw alot before all this started, like a favorite TV show. I know its hard on Beth so thats the other side of this, even as things are I hate the idea of her going through misery just because of my dementia. So I purposely try to put on things more complex that she might get into. The final piece of this solution lies in the more recent changes in mental abilities. I realized that since I could not really enjoy something I liked because of the crappy memory, then I probably would have little problem zipping through something I detested or could not handle. I just relax any effort put into paying attention until its over. This leaves me zoned out but from my POV, its more like swimming underwater, occasionally popping the head up for air. In this case I fade in and sorta check to see the status of things and then check back out just as fast. It works most of the time. Enough of the time.
Most video games are now beyond me. If they are twitch games, my twitches are a bit too slow, and if they need memory like adventure/puzzle solving games, well, can't do that either. The ones that really thrilled me 6 months ago now are out of reach. LBD giveth, LBD taketh away. WTF? Well its like this, I found a number of things about this were not what I was tuaght to believe. Like losing the ablity to play video games; most would read that in horror or at the very least, sorrow. But I have found for each thing you lose like this, its not at all like one day its there, next its gone but you still want to do it...
What actually happens is this: There is a point in time where the task, game, movie, whatever was simple, like it was for anyone else. There is another time when that same task, game, movie, whatever is now beyond your ability to execute. What people don't get or realize is, between those two points there is a long and linear path marked by you not just struggling harder everyday to do task/game/whatever, but doing it and failing, or failing WORSE each day. That second date comes aroung? You are more than ready to say fuck it. Right in the ear.
So I don't miss watching deep movies or even not-so-deep ones, they are too tiring for me to understand. Dont miss playing my favorite video games either, they are now so hard for me and I switch them off feeling so humiliated, I don't miss them.
Not alot left in the day but as seen with the movies I don't like, I have noticed that thanks to the LBD, most of the day is in the waste bin before I notice its even happened. And so days feel a few hours long.
When I say I think I have X time left with anything going on upstairs, doctors and loved ones not and smile at me, don't even argue though they are sure there is no way for me to know if there is no way for them to. Well, thats where they are wrong. I made an unorthodox engineering career coming up with off the wall solutions to tough problems that defied classical solution. IOW I had crazy ideas like anyone else, I just knew how to express them in computer code. Anyhow yes they would be right, if the approach was to look at the things that are wrong, perhaps looking at their trends and guessing when they will completely fail. To accurately do that with one defect is hard, two is impossible and more (like multifunction dementia), well kiss my ass if you claim to know how things will go and when it will happen.
I turned the problem on its ear, using information that only I have at hand: how long I percieve each day to be. This period of time is defined by how much I am able to recall. If I only can recall two hours a day, my day is two hours long. Put me on a lie detector if you don't believe me. Hehe. So if I am "awake" and in focus during these times, then the time in a 24 hour period where I can't recall, it must be in such a fog as I would be considered "gone".
This time period has decreased alot over the past year and right now, days are in fact about three hours long, maybe a bit more or less depending upon the events of the day. As much as I have been able, I have tracked this period of clarity and if it follows the path/trend it has followed for as long as I tracked it, I should be at a point of having zero minutes of clarity per day by next Christmas. At that point, I, Jeff Cobb, will be gone. For all practical intents that time will come some time prior. Its not all or nothing; ratther for some things I may be OK, others will remain beyond my reach. Also it depends on the part of me failing the most that day....I can lose my sense of balance, ablity to swallow, etc and still dal with my day. If the aphasia hits and I have a hard time translating what I see and hear into thought and harder time translating those thoughts to finger-twitches, I can't play a game even one requiring no speech. I could go on but if the reader needs more examples, sorry, tiring for today. Its a focus thing, will explain next time. Hmm maybe I should have a clock or something in the corner of the screen wiht a number outlining how short my day is....